Mom-in-waiting’s Weblog

January 9, 2008

You find out who your friends are

Filed under: adoption,infertility — by mominwaiting @ 3:11 am
Tags: , , , ,

I’ve always tended to be a private person, never feeling compelled to share everything with everyone I met. That said, it’s a little odd sharing my experiences through such a public channel, but I guess it’s part of growing as a person.

My best friend (well, practically a former friend now) of nearly ten years was one of the few people that I shared my fertility struggles with over the years, and she seemed to understand. At the very least, she was sympathetic. Then, having married nearly five years after me and having her son two years later, she began to change. It was the start of a small rift. It wasn’t anything that was spoken aloud, but I felt it. We still got together as girlfriends and went out with the husbands quite frequently, but the closeness and sharing that had gone on previously was stunted.

 Nearly three years later, through the wonders of IVF, I became pregnant with twins. I was over the moon! When I told my friend, she confided that she, too, was pregnant – about four weeks ahead of me. When I miscarried at 11 weeks, I was devastated, but her pregnancy went along as planned. Her daughter was born and I did my best to be supportive although I was dying inside. Now, with two children, the commonalities that once brought us together faded into the background. These two little ones were her world, and who was I to blame her?

Time passed, and we got together less and less until our relationship seemed to exist only electronically. It was less painful for me to communicate via e-mail, and she didn’t seem to mind. One rare evening when we were out with the husbands, nearly 18 months ago, I let slip my true feelings about not having felt supported by her. Maybe it was the wine talking, but this normally quiet and calm individual let me have it. She told me I couldn’t possibly understand the sacrifices she makes as a mother just as she couldn’t understand how I feel and what I’m going through because she’s never dealt with infertility. Okay, fine. I guess she was right, but she couldn’t have found a more hurtful way to bring to light that our friendship had just about reached its end.

It’s now been about seven months since we’ve seen one another or had a meaningful conversation, but the loss of this friendship stays with me. Over the recent holidays, something inside kept telling me to reach out to her and forgive and forget, but I just couldn’t do it. I don’t know if I have it in me. I keep thinking that maybe once my husband and I are finally united with our child through adoption, it will be an opportunity to rekindle our friendship, but I struggle to decide whether or not I even want to do that. Time will tell.



  1. I am very sorry for your situation. It hurts when the things you most desire don’t come to fruition. However, God always has a perfect plan–even if it isn’t ours. I also am hoping you will also consider that your friendship ending may perhaps be a blessing. God allows people in our lives for seasons, and the purpose and goal of this friend being a part of your life may have already occurred–and this season is over.

    I don’t know where you live, but there is a wonderful place called Liberty Godparents’ Home in Lynchburg, VA. If adoption is ever an option, these people have the most fabulous program I’ve ever heard of. They take high school age students who are pregnant, offer them housing, excellent care, proper nutrition, and love. Prospective parents complete a scrapbook of their lives, and the birth moms actually PICK who the parents will be (after interviewing them, too). After the girls give birth and give the babies to their new families, they get a free 4 year college education at Liberty University. What a blessing!

    May God bless you and comfort you. You’ll be okay.

    Comment by Wendy — January 9, 2008 @ 3:19 am

  2. Interesting to think about the losses of infertility and how they extend past the “would be” children.

    I’m sorry you seem to have lost your friend. Soemtimes its just too hard to continue when you can’t see where the other is coming from.

    wishing you the best.

    Comment by M. — January 9, 2008 @ 3:39 am

  3. What do you have to forgive her for? I’m confused.

    Comment by Gershom — January 9, 2008 @ 9:51 am

  4. I cannot believe I happened upon your blog tonight! i have been dealing with the same issues for the last 6 years with my friend. We both started trying at the same time, and guess who got pregnant? Not me with the totally normal cycle, but her with the messed up one. She went on to have 2 beautiful daughters, the most recent being born last June. The same month my two babies we are waiting to adopt were born. When I told her this upon my referral she suddenly started trying to reconnect with me. (same uncomfortableness as you at get togethers, the straw that broke my back was the night she said “are you guys really trying to have kids or what?” I retorted , we haven’t used birth control in years, so yes. her face just dropped. She never had another comment after that. This was even before we were in fertility treatment.) But now that my adoption has been put on hold, waiting for our lovely gov’t to okay my i600 so I can bring these babies home–she has been weird and distant again. And you know what? I am done! I am tired of being the kind heart who has to listen and respond to her families prying questions about IF and adoption. she only wants to be my friend now so her baby can have buddies–when I saw her last october (after a huge span of time had passed since i saw her) she flat out said oh good, now lilah can have friends! but this strained relationship is over for me. she never once asked how i was doing in all these years of trying to build a family, it has always been about her, about her being pregnant, about her being a mom. Well now it is about me! i do believe our friendship is over–it was good for a long time, but now it is done. We have to look out for ourselves, protect ourselves. all the best to you!

    Comment by lisa — February 3, 2008 @ 1:00 am

  5. So very sorry for what has taken place. Best advice I can give to you would be to forgive your freinds, come right out and talk to them and tell them how you feel. Sometimes as humans we are not as compassionate enough and unfortunately we aren’t even aware of just how foolish we may seem to others unless we are comfronted. From the sounds of it, i don’t beleive anything was done intentionally. So please pray and forgive your freinds so that God can bless you with all the desires of your heart. I know it’s hard i’ve been there but you will feel so much better.

    Comment by Angel — March 1, 2008 @ 1:00 am

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